One of the anxieties I had about moving to Idaho was raising a white boy in such a white state. I’ve written before about how, perhaps because I was raised in one of the most ethnically and culturally diverse places on the planet, I feel my whiteness most acutely when I’m in a crowd of white people. My worry was, and continues to be, that if Lucas grows up in a very white state, whiteness will become invisible to him, the norm.
Three anecdotes:
- Last spring break, we visited Disneyland for the first time. As we drove into the parking structure, Lucas asked, “Can anyone come to Disneyland?” (Anyone who can afford it, my mother replied.) “Even black kids?” he asked.
- Recently, Lucas pointed out he had “a black kid” in his class. I’m guessing she’s of Asian or Pacific Islander descent.
- Today, Lucas saw some black and Latino men setting up the fencing for the upcoming Long Beach Grand Prix, and he asked why some people decided to “become workers.” Well, I explained, there are all kinds of workers in the world, and some people are skilled at building, while others prefer to work outside. “But if they work outside for a long time,” Lucas said, “they become black.”
That sound you hear is me beating my forehead with the copy of Colonize This sitting on my desk. (Mercifully, it’s a paperback.)
At home, we watch documentaries on human evolution and civil rights. We talk all the time about race, ethnicity, and culture. We read multicultural literature. We listen to all kinds of music. I even have written—and, soon, I hope, will return to writing—plenty of blog posts on multicultural books and toys. I think about this stuff a lot. Short of hauling my seven-year-old back to California, I’m not sure what to do, as I’m loathe to intrude on the few safe spaces people of color do have in Idaho (e.g. churches). Nor do I want introduce Lucas primarily to people of color who are refugees (perhaps Boise’s most visible people of color), as I don’t want him thinking that all people of color have come to rely on the generosity of white communities for their livelihoods.
What to do? What to do? (Gentle) advice welcome.
Image by PavanGpd, and used under a Creative Commons license.
There are so many data points in the world, and it sounds like your son is trying hard to connect the dots but not coming up with a picture that makes sense. Maybe the key is to ask him to explain his understanding of why people have different skin colors, what associations he has with people of different races and ethnicities and how he understands how racism has played out here and elsewhere (some of his questions suggest he’s aware that people have been discriminated against but that he might think de jure segregation is still going on). He could even sketch it out in a flow chart or picture. That might give you a better sense of the links he’s making in his mind, and where the confusion arises. He sounds like a thoughtful person (like his parents!) and I’m sure this will lead to good discussions!
Thanks, Maggie. I appreciate your thoughts. As I’ve said in the parallel conversation happening on Facebook, I’m worried he sees whiteness as the default state and that he’s slowly coming to see it as the preferred one. There’s a lot of naivete in his thinking, and he’s seven, so I’m fine with that. I guess part of my worry is I sense a shift in tone. In the comment he made about Disneyland, I think he was actually more curious about being able to glimpse an African-American kid because he hardly ever does. The comment about the kid in his class was fairly neutral, mostly an observation, I think. But then there’s the implication in yesterday’s comment: why would anyone want to work outside if it turns their skin black? That worries me a bit, and I don’t know if he’s thinking white = inherently better, or if we’ve overdone it with our historical explanations, and he’s thinking, “Why would anyone choose to be dark-skinned when dark-skinned people in the U.S. haven’t been treated as well as whites?”
This is a fascinating question that I hadn’t considered from your particular perspective before. I’m wondering if there aren’t some options to enroll him in activities where he’s more likely to be exposed to non-whites. Doesn’t Idaho have a growing Hispanic population? Also, you might make a point of taking him to visit places that are a lot more diverse. A very tough question, though, I’ll admit.
Oh, you could make sure he’s exposed to narrative fiction (books, tv, movies) with a strong minority presence.
The Anti-Defamation League did a great set of workshops for our school on kids and how to combat racism. A few points that stuck out: 1. Kids notice people who look different and, especially at younger ages like the ones I teach, their first reaction is “different=bad” which Lucas isn’t doing. YAY! 2. They encouraged us to notice and define the differences in looks, but the similarities in our hearts, our hopes, our dreams, and our actions. 3. Like Arbitrista said, find some strong multicultural role models in the media. Were you ever a Cosby Show fan?
I’m going to read the comments to this post and I hope you’ll keep sharing! As the future mom of a Chinese-American child, I’m really thinking about finding role models and making sure that my kiddo has people in his/her life where she can say, “Hey, she looks like me!”